June 5, 2009 - after the 6th Chemo

Well folks: the span of time after my 5th Chemo was quite hard. I got a little too tired doing not much. I was - well depressed. I had to remind John that I am usually a self starter, basically positive with each new day, and only a small percentage of my life has been feeling as blue as I was then feeling. Then I had my labs and found out my red blood cell count had dropped even more. Chemo does that and being always on the verge of anemic all my life didn't help. I decided that taking iron pills and extra folic acid pills and eating iron rich foods just wasn't doing it. It was time to call in the big guns and buy either some calves liver or some Braunschweiger and start having that in a sandwich daily. Almost immediately I felt an improvement. Back in my late teens to my 40's, I'd always buy calves liver or Liverwurst when I started to feel down and that would do it for me. Then I read that those foods are not that good for us and they add to high cholesterol which by then I was told to avoid so I stopped buying the stuff. Well...it's all a matter of balance isn't it? So it will be interesting if my labs reflect the extra iron in my system. If not, then chalk it up to the mightly placebo effect. In which case, maybe I'll try a Shaman next.
Obviously, I'm feeling pretty good that I'm on the last of 6 chemo sessions and hopefully will only continue to feel better. I had the 6th session 2 days ago and so far have felt pretty good...weak/tired which is normal but better than last session. I've kept up exercise: walking -distance dependant on energy but a min. of 30 minutes per day. Also weights and some yoga on the patio. Lovely. So I feel good that I've continued with my exercise regime that I began before this whole process started and I've even improved upon it. My knees are in good shape now where-as a year ago it looked like I'd have to have knee surgery because they hurt so much. The improvement is due to the weights. The pads in my knees are still thin so no climbing mountains or carrying heavy loads but I can walk and do moderate hiking. How grateful I am that I could make that improvement with just working out with weights 3 times a week. Now the muscles do the work and there's less wear and tear on the pads.
Next up, radiation starts sometime after July 1st. A friend who is now going through radiation, said it is a lot easier than chemo. Good! Something more to feel thankful for.

May 23, 2009

I met with the Dr. on Wednesday. I have one more chemo to go and then a rest of about a month and then 7 weeks of radiation apparently. Then some tests and no more chemo if the coast is clear. John said I have to give myself permission to take it easy and rest up for the next chemo and then STAY inactive until I'm over the hard part. Except some activity actually improves the way one feels; fine line - fine line between many things being either good or bad for one. Well, I get another opportunity. The tiredness I feel is experienced by everyone going through it. It isn't tired like sleepy. It is called the 'lead for blood' feeling. Dragging isn't even a good adjective for what one experiences. My hands and nails are looking weird; weird coloration, the nails are discolored from the chemo... basically they poison the body till the body is just about to revolt big time and then they stop for a while and try to poison it some more. Then comes the rebuilding part and returning to 'normal'. I understand it differs greatly per person. One never knows if doing more is the right thing or doing less. It used to be the thing to have people rest for a week or so after childbirth or operations but now they get you up as soon as possible and start one walking about. So, my point exactly...
So another thing that is a conundrum; in Anti Cancer: A New Way of Life by David Servan- Schreiber he mentions becoming a different person through this process. How one lady learned to embrace her martial attitude by taking Karate. That helped her overcome her cancer. The lesson here is the importance of "terrain", the effects of awareness and the synergy of natural forces. That might sound like just so many words but those three things were summarized in the last chapter. There are various ways people have of learning these things. For each it might be a bit different. But in each case, I would guess it is getting to know oneself better, knowing and respecting one's boundaries and yet at the same time (or is it other times) one flows with life and is more accepting. OK...see what I mean? did you see an interesting paradox there? To me, it seems that Life's lessons seem to come in the form of paradox and here is a case in point: flow with life (let go of the judgements) but know your terrain and respect that. I think I get it. I've always been a slow learner... the last in the room to catch on. Well, I have a little more time in the process. I pray I get it!!
Today I liked wearing my wig. And yesterday I made a few new ties for my 'hair' that I like and learned to tie a neat head scar differently. I'll get it mastered just about when my hair grows back in. But then I'll have alternatives to those bad hair days. See, there's always the bright side if one looks for it.

Chem #5

Two days ago, I was surprised by a fabulous rose bouquet that Bonnie ordered on behalf of herself, Anyra and Matt. There was a snafu over shipping and me being home to receive them. Somehow, I got a double order - shipped from Ecuador which apparently is a major rose growing center. So here is a photo of the 2 big bunches together, each delivered on consecutive days. They are so fabulous to look at and the delicate variety in color is a joy to see.
The day of Chemo, I was feeling a little blue to begin with which didn't help. I went in at 11 AM and didn't get hooked up till 2:30. I was there for 6 hours for what should have been a 3 hour apt. All the chairs were filled and only one nurse. I wanted to leave and say "No problem, I can skip this one.", but I realized that wasn't really an option. My mood was definitely better upon leaving. They are just understaffed for the number of people under treatment. Now 2 days later, I recognize that predictable cycle. I took it easy yesterday and now it is early morning so I need to get out for a walk before the heat hits. The birds sound so happy this time of day.
Later... great walk and then did my weights. After, I fixed a fabulous omelet with onions, chard, tomato, a little ham and cheese. Maybe a nap next?
It's hard looking at a possible 6 more rounds of chemo after the 6 weeks? of radiation. I hear of others from other areas that get away with less. I wonder, how would one know what the best course of action is?
In the meantime, the roses are lovely, the birds make such beautiful sounds in the morning. I think we've almost decided on the flooring for the bathrooms. Today was around 105' in the shade and we are making our adjustments to this inevitable season. We wait till it cools off before venturing outdoors.

May 11, 2009

I have chemo #5 day after tomorrow. I’m trying not to think about it. A day at a time as they say. I feel like I ought to be using this time for something amazingly wonderful. What would that be? Yesterday was great because after returning from Keeler, I had numerous little projects, most of which involved sewing. The outcome on all fronts was satisfying. I’d love to tackle some other projects but I’m not capable of doing them without help. My hands, as I found out yesterday, have a limit before they start getting sensitive to everything I touch.
I’m amazed that I’m still conflicted about my lack of hair, so deep is the programming about how we women look. I can get dressed for the day but I feel I look ridiculous until I put the wig on. The outfit seems unbalanced and my sex is yet, to my eyes, undefined. I doubt I’d have the same reaction were I in a community of Buddhist renunciates. It seems to me that when all persons are bald, it would remove something of the roles that we need to play. That in itself is an appealing idea for 2 reasons. I’d of course like to feel I fit in and it is also a compelling idea to be a part of something that involves others, with a schedule of expected activities even though, ironically, I love my mostly unscheduled life. So life is a series of contradictions and sometimes, I feel at odds with that.
The tiredness is something that has stayed with me throughout these last 3 weeks. Even though I’ve stayed up on exercise, this laconic mood has overtaken me. I think it might be due to the heat…which unfortunately, is just getting started.

Chemo #4

This time around it is a little better mainly because of the medication I'm taking to mitigate the effects of the Taxotere which is one of the chemo drugs. Thankfully, my hands and feet aren't as sore. My energy level isn't very high but then I remind myself where I'm at in the cycle and know that in a few days, I'll be feeling better. The weather here is changeable as it is everywhere in the spring; a few days of warm weather followed by winds and cooler weather and then turning warm again. Today is one of the chilly days. It seems to go with my energy level. John even built a fire in the stove today to take the chill off the air. He hooked up the swamp cooler last week because temperatures were going into the high 90's outside, but as always, it gets cooler again. Well, life is change and change is what it is all about. How to embrace the change without resisting it is the question.
We went to a talk this AM about water in the west. Seems we're all headed for tougher times as water resources are getting more scarce and the population is growing. I look at the landscaping, such that it is, and wonder how little I could get by on without endangering the plants. And just when I was starting to contemplate adding a little garden. It's one of those days when I feel if I had a good dose of chocolate, it would set everything right!!

1 week till #4

I'm counting down the time because I am counting this week as hopefully a good week. I've continued to have problems with sore hands ... and I had to stop 'walking' for about 5 days to let my feet heal. Seems this is a reaction to one of the chemo drugs and I can get a prescription for it apparently but I am uncomfortable about layering drug upon drug but I shall give it a try because the problem is debilitating. Also, I am still low on the red blood cell count and so I bought the recommended iron supplement and folic acid that is also recommended hoping to avoid a more drastic remedy. The low red count is also a side effect.
On a positive note, I walked again today with no ill effect and did my little weight 'circuit' that seems to be so beneficial and as usual, felt great afterwards.

Chemo #3

This is the 10 day period when things should get a little better. I had my third chemo a week ago yesterday. This time, I walked only in my neighborhood...taking either the 1.5 mile or the 2 mile route. This seemed to work and I felt a little better. My hands were doing better but my feet were sore...and now both hands and feet are sore. Hopefully this will pass in a few days and I'll have that 'good' final 10 day period before chemo #4. Anemia was threatening to be a problem so I ate some beef to help the numbers. We'll see. I didn't want to take the iron pills because of the constipation factor as that already is a problem in the first week or so after chemo...so I ate the beef but now my joints are stiffening up and starting to ache. They are great if I don't eat meat...no problem. So it is a balancing act, trying to find the way to get through this. My mornings are for getting things done and afternoons are laid back (no choice there) and the brain isn't as good either. I just can't fathom any complexities. Life simple, laid back, no hurry.... only an American would complain about that with our driving work ethic.