May 11, 2009

I have chemo #5 day after tomorrow. I’m trying not to think about it. A day at a time as they say. I feel like I ought to be using this time for something amazingly wonderful. What would that be? Yesterday was great because after returning from Keeler, I had numerous little projects, most of which involved sewing. The outcome on all fronts was satisfying. I’d love to tackle some other projects but I’m not capable of doing them without help. My hands, as I found out yesterday, have a limit before they start getting sensitive to everything I touch.
I’m amazed that I’m still conflicted about my lack of hair, so deep is the programming about how we women look. I can get dressed for the day but I feel I look ridiculous until I put the wig on. The outfit seems unbalanced and my sex is yet, to my eyes, undefined. I doubt I’d have the same reaction were I in a community of Buddhist renunciates. It seems to me that when all persons are bald, it would remove something of the roles that we need to play. That in itself is an appealing idea for 2 reasons. I’d of course like to feel I fit in and it is also a compelling idea to be a part of something that involves others, with a schedule of expected activities even though, ironically, I love my mostly unscheduled life. So life is a series of contradictions and sometimes, I feel at odds with that.
The tiredness is something that has stayed with me throughout these last 3 weeks. Even though I’ve stayed up on exercise, this laconic mood has overtaken me. I think it might be due to the heat…which unfortunately, is just getting started.