Hummingbird Saga

This morning (June 2nd) as I pulled out of the driveway and started down the street, I noticed bird crap on the front window. I turned on the windshield wipers and spray to wash the window. It sort of came clean but then I noticed a pine cone(?) strange leaf (?) stuck to one of the windshield wipers. I turned them on again and the thing didn't budge...it was still stuck there. I was weirded out by this little brown gray shape that didn't really look like any pine cone or leaf we'd have around here. So I stopped the car at the corner and got out to inspect. To my horror it was a baby hummingbird attached to the wiper. I felt it had to be dead especially after what I just put it through. I inspected it and it seemed somewhat alive although it looked to be in shock, it was wet from the windshield wiper fluid and even though it had some feathers, it was clear, it had a ways to go. It had to have fallen out of a nest that was in the tree my car was parked under. I got a kleenex and wrapped it around the little fella... (he had iridescent green feathers just showing on his back) and tried to pull him off the windshield wiper. He was holding on for dear life. I put him on my lap and drove back to the house. I inspected the tree and fortunately found the nest within reach. There was a bird already there and I wondered if this little guy had been shoved out of the nest. I figured I had to give him one more chance and tried to deposit him on top of the nest. After several unsuccessful attempts, that resulted in him falling to the ground because the occupant brother didn't want to give up his spot, I got the little guy to grab hold...and there I left him, perched on top of his brother in the nest.
After several hours out I returned home and took a look. Both little guys were nestled in the nest now and I took a picture. If that little guy survives, he'll have stories to tell.
After returning that day, I checked on the little hummers and found the 2 little guys nestled side by side in the nest. I checked maybe one or two more times the next couple of days and saw near the end of day, the mother and 2 Jr. hummers in the nest. Then about June 5th, the weather turned colder and the wind was blowing. I went out just about sunset and peered at the nest. Nestled in that nest were 4 hummingbirds. I figured it had to be mom, dad and the 2 little ones. The nest stretches to accommodate as it is made from tiny vegetable matter, black- widow spider webs that give it strength and their great stretchable quality and then down presumably from the hummingbird's plumage. A few days later, the nest, all stretched out, was an empty abode. The family had taken flight.

June 9, 09 more musings

To take a trip to the darker side without specific details, there has been a number of other problems that I've had to deal with. For one, I continue to have some neuropathy that I took medication for the soreness particularly in the hands so I couldn't bear to touch anything. The medication helped but I'm not sure it helped with the numbing. Still fingers and toes are numb. One evening, I looked at my feet and they looked like the feet of a corpse... they were gray and my big toes that had been red were turning blue, the nails looked discolored (one still is). I was freaked out. I had had a good day...done my moderate walk where I was out maybe 30 or 40 minutes for brisk walking and then I did weights later. But I put my thongs on and went out to walk around the block...short distance. When I got back my feet looked better with more circulation. And then I soaked them in a warm Epsom salt bath. My finger nails are discolored, my tear ducts have stopped ducting tears so my eyes water a lot and so it looks like I'm crying much of the time, my nose drips terribly sometimes. But I think it is getting a little better. The nurse told me to take 50 mg of B6 twice a day. So I just added that to my pile of pills. B6 is for the nerve damage that is happening. This is a hard road to be sure. I haven't even gone into the horrible constipation that comes after the chemo treatments.

My internist is pretty much against me doing much exercise and activity. She says I need to give my body time to heal and go through this. I have tried to find a happy middle ground where I can keep up some semblance of fitness and still do OK. I feel better anyway after a little exercise besides it helps me stay in a positive mood throughout this thing. I just don't try and do too much. It seems much of my life has been trying to find that elusive point of balance in life. I just thought that maybe when one is at that point of balance it would feel like hosts of angels dancing on the head of the pin.

I had a massage right after chemo this time and it sure felt good as it does always. My muscles really need to have the massage to help them through this ordeal. Fresh made vegie juice is always helpful. Must do that again real soon.

June 5, 2009 - after the 6th Chemo

Well folks: the span of time after my 5th Chemo was quite hard. I got a little too tired doing not much. I was - well depressed. I had to remind John that I am usually a self starter, basically positive with each new day, and only a small percentage of my life has been feeling as blue as I was then feeling. Then I had my labs and found out my red blood cell count had dropped even more. Chemo does that and being always on the verge of anemic all my life didn't help. I decided that taking iron pills and extra folic acid pills and eating iron rich foods just wasn't doing it. It was time to call in the big guns and buy either some calves liver or some Braunschweiger and start having that in a sandwich daily. Almost immediately I felt an improvement. Back in my late teens to my 40's, I'd always buy calves liver or Liverwurst when I started to feel down and that would do it for me. Then I read that those foods are not that good for us and they add to high cholesterol which by then I was told to avoid so I stopped buying the stuff. Well...it's all a matter of balance isn't it? So it will be interesting if my labs reflect the extra iron in my system. If not, then chalk it up to the mightly placebo effect. In which case, maybe I'll try a Shaman next.
Obviously, I'm feeling pretty good that I'm on the last of 6 chemo sessions and hopefully will only continue to feel better. I had the 6th session 2 days ago and so far have felt pretty good...weak/tired which is normal but better than last session. I've kept up exercise: walking -distance dependant on energy but a min. of 30 minutes per day. Also weights and some yoga on the patio. Lovely. So I feel good that I've continued with my exercise regime that I began before this whole process started and I've even improved upon it. My knees are in good shape now where-as a year ago it looked like I'd have to have knee surgery because they hurt so much. The improvement is due to the weights. The pads in my knees are still thin so no climbing mountains or carrying heavy loads but I can walk and do moderate hiking. How grateful I am that I could make that improvement with just working out with weights 3 times a week. Now the muscles do the work and there's less wear and tear on the pads.
Next up, radiation starts sometime after July 1st. A friend who is now going through radiation, said it is a lot easier than chemo. Good! Something more to feel thankful for.

May 23, 2009

I met with the Dr. on Wednesday. I have one more chemo to go and then a rest of about a month and then 7 weeks of radiation apparently. Then some tests and no more chemo if the coast is clear. John said I have to give myself permission to take it easy and rest up for the next chemo and then STAY inactive until I'm over the hard part. Except some activity actually improves the way one feels; fine line - fine line between many things being either good or bad for one. Well, I get another opportunity. The tiredness I feel is experienced by everyone going through it. It isn't tired like sleepy. It is called the 'lead for blood' feeling. Dragging isn't even a good adjective for what one experiences. My hands and nails are looking weird; weird coloration, the nails are discolored from the chemo... basically they poison the body till the body is just about to revolt big time and then they stop for a while and try to poison it some more. Then comes the rebuilding part and returning to 'normal'. I understand it differs greatly per person. One never knows if doing more is the right thing or doing less. It used to be the thing to have people rest for a week or so after childbirth or operations but now they get you up as soon as possible and start one walking about. So, my point exactly...
So another thing that is a conundrum; in Anti Cancer: A New Way of Life by David Servan- Schreiber he mentions becoming a different person through this process. How one lady learned to embrace her martial attitude by taking Karate. That helped her overcome her cancer. The lesson here is the importance of "terrain", the effects of awareness and the synergy of natural forces. That might sound like just so many words but those three things were summarized in the last chapter. There are various ways people have of learning these things. For each it might be a bit different. But in each case, I would guess it is getting to know oneself better, knowing and respecting one's boundaries and yet at the same time (or is it other times) one flows with life and is more accepting. OK...see what I mean? did you see an interesting paradox there? To me, it seems that Life's lessons seem to come in the form of paradox and here is a case in point: flow with life (let go of the judgements) but know your terrain and respect that. I think I get it. I've always been a slow learner... the last in the room to catch on. Well, I have a little more time in the process. I pray I get it!!
Today I liked wearing my wig. And yesterday I made a few new ties for my 'hair' that I like and learned to tie a neat head scar differently. I'll get it mastered just about when my hair grows back in. But then I'll have alternatives to those bad hair days. See, there's always the bright side if one looks for it.

Chem #5

Two days ago, I was surprised by a fabulous rose bouquet that Bonnie ordered on behalf of herself, Anyra and Matt. There was a snafu over shipping and me being home to receive them. Somehow, I got a double order - shipped from Ecuador which apparently is a major rose growing center. So here is a photo of the 2 big bunches together, each delivered on consecutive days. They are so fabulous to look at and the delicate variety in color is a joy to see.
The day of Chemo, I was feeling a little blue to begin with which didn't help. I went in at 11 AM and didn't get hooked up till 2:30. I was there for 6 hours for what should have been a 3 hour apt. All the chairs were filled and only one nurse. I wanted to leave and say "No problem, I can skip this one.", but I realized that wasn't really an option. My mood was definitely better upon leaving. They are just understaffed for the number of people under treatment. Now 2 days later, I recognize that predictable cycle. I took it easy yesterday and now it is early morning so I need to get out for a walk before the heat hits. The birds sound so happy this time of day.
Later... great walk and then did my weights. After, I fixed a fabulous omelet with onions, chard, tomato, a little ham and cheese. Maybe a nap next?
It's hard looking at a possible 6 more rounds of chemo after the 6 weeks? of radiation. I hear of others from other areas that get away with less. I wonder, how would one know what the best course of action is?
In the meantime, the roses are lovely, the birds make such beautiful sounds in the morning. I think we've almost decided on the flooring for the bathrooms. Today was around 105' in the shade and we are making our adjustments to this inevitable season. We wait till it cools off before venturing outdoors.

May 11, 2009

I have chemo #5 day after tomorrow. I’m trying not to think about it. A day at a time as they say. I feel like I ought to be using this time for something amazingly wonderful. What would that be? Yesterday was great because after returning from Keeler, I had numerous little projects, most of which involved sewing. The outcome on all fronts was satisfying. I’d love to tackle some other projects but I’m not capable of doing them without help. My hands, as I found out yesterday, have a limit before they start getting sensitive to everything I touch.
I’m amazed that I’m still conflicted about my lack of hair, so deep is the programming about how we women look. I can get dressed for the day but I feel I look ridiculous until I put the wig on. The outfit seems unbalanced and my sex is yet, to my eyes, undefined. I doubt I’d have the same reaction were I in a community of Buddhist renunciates. It seems to me that when all persons are bald, it would remove something of the roles that we need to play. That in itself is an appealing idea for 2 reasons. I’d of course like to feel I fit in and it is also a compelling idea to be a part of something that involves others, with a schedule of expected activities even though, ironically, I love my mostly unscheduled life. So life is a series of contradictions and sometimes, I feel at odds with that.
The tiredness is something that has stayed with me throughout these last 3 weeks. Even though I’ve stayed up on exercise, this laconic mood has overtaken me. I think it might be due to the heat…which unfortunately, is just getting started.

Chemo #4

This time around it is a little better mainly because of the medication I'm taking to mitigate the effects of the Taxotere which is one of the chemo drugs. Thankfully, my hands and feet aren't as sore. My energy level isn't very high but then I remind myself where I'm at in the cycle and know that in a few days, I'll be feeling better. The weather here is changeable as it is everywhere in the spring; a few days of warm weather followed by winds and cooler weather and then turning warm again. Today is one of the chilly days. It seems to go with my energy level. John even built a fire in the stove today to take the chill off the air. He hooked up the swamp cooler last week because temperatures were going into the high 90's outside, but as always, it gets cooler again. Well, life is change and change is what it is all about. How to embrace the change without resisting it is the question.
We went to a talk this AM about water in the west. Seems we're all headed for tougher times as water resources are getting more scarce and the population is growing. I look at the landscaping, such that it is, and wonder how little I could get by on without endangering the plants. And just when I was starting to contemplate adding a little garden. It's one of those days when I feel if I had a good dose of chocolate, it would set everything right!!